As printed in the LA Times:
David Letterman, on ‘Late Show with David Letterman,’ Nov. 5 "At the end of the evening, the electoral vote count was 349 for Obama, 148 for McCain. Or, as Fox News says, ‘too close to call.’"
Jay Leno, on ‘ The Tonight Show with Jay Leno,’ Nov. 3 "According to recent news reports, Bill Clinton has now become an adviser to Barack Obama. Bill Clinton is giving advice to Barack Obama. Do you know who is really upset about this? Michelle Obama."
Conan O'Brien, on ‘Late Night with Conan O’Brien,’ Nov. 5 "Last night, [Sarah Palin] denied rumors that she's getting ready to run for president in 2012. Palin said, 'That’s a long time away. I’ll be a great-grandmother by then.'"
Seth Meyers, on ‘Saturday Night Live,’ Nov. 1 "At a campaign rally on Thursday, Senator McCain called Joe the plumber up to the stage, only to discover that he was not at the rally. In fairness to Joe the plumber, he did say he'd be there sometime between noon and 6 p.m."
Seth Meyers, on ‘Saturday Night Live,’ Nov. 1 "This Sunday, daylight saving time ends. John McCain quickly condemned it as a redistribution of sunlight.”
John McCain, on ‘Saturday Night Live,’ Oct. 31 “Look, would I rather be on three major networks? Of course. But I’m a true maverick: a Republican without money."
Bill Maher, on ‘Real Time with Bill Maher,’ Oct. 31 "I think this says it all about the difference between the two parties. McCain is campaigning with Joe the plumber, Obama is down in Florida campaigning with Al Gore. One guy won the Nobel Prize in climate science. The other guy can get a fork out of a garbage disposal."
Jimmy Kimmel, on ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live!’ Nov. 3 "This is a country that waits 18 hours on line for an iPhone. We'll sit for three days in the rain to get Halo 2. We'll camp out on the sidewalk for a week to get the first ticket to see a 'Star Wars' movie that we know is going to be crap. ... If we can wait in line to see the Jonas brothers, then by God, I say we can wait in line to elect the next president of the United States."
Craig Ferguson, on 'Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson,' Oct. 31 " Barack Obama hit back at the charges that he's a socialist by joking that since he shared his toys as a child, he must be a communist. To which John McCain responded, 'You had toys as a child? I had to play with dinosaurs.'"